The World Race - Toni Lawrimore

Goodbye and what's Next.

Sat, 20 Feb 2010 00:00:00 GMT

Dear family,

I haven't been on the blog scene for a little while.

And it's because Jesus has been doing some serious work in my life.

I'll try to explain as best as I can.

After a lot of prayer, fasting, seeking wise counsel and ultimately seeking God, I've come to the realization:

I'm not going on the World Race anymore.

This may seem sudden, but trust me..it's not. It's something that Jesus has been pushing me to face for weeks now. But I just didn't want to admit it.

The following is an email I sent to a few of the ultra-wise people in my life who have been praying with me and for me through this process. I hope that it can explain some of the journey that Jesus has been leading me through:

So this weekend I got to spend a lot of time in prayer, reading articles from people I consider wise, and in the Word.
Friday, I began to seek God, questioning Him on what wisdom and discernment looks like in this situation. Seeing as I've felt that He was giving me an option and I am by no stretch of the imagination indecisive (and a ridiculously sinful person), I still need Him to make this decision for me.
So yea...I felt as if I needed to start reading James. I'm not sure why, but something in me just said "read James." So I did. James clearly outlines what wisdom is.
James says that if I seek God and ask Him for wisdom, He will give it (James 1:5-6) and that it is pure, a fruit of the spirit, and unselfish (James 3:15-18). I have none of those qualities. Therefore, I spent Friday begging God to give me wisdom and discernment.

Today was my Sabbath. I kicked it off by getting down to business. I'm seeing it more and more each day--I need Jesus. I can't make decisions on my own. He gets me. He knows what is best...and He isn't a silent, distant God.
Anyway.
This whole decision making process has caused a lot of anxiety/worry in my life. It's been a battle with sin daily trying to rely on Jesus. It's been beautiful because He is showing me His need for Him as I get to repent of my anxiety, but it has definitely been a battle. So with that in mind, I began my Sabbath by listening to a message from the Village Church, TX called "Age of Anxiety." In this message, Beau Hughes, one of hte pastors, pointed out that true joy, a fruit of the spirit, can only come from Christ. Any time we experience joy, it is from our God. Nowhere else. (praise)
I wrote that note down. It's a good thing to remember.
After that, I started to pray, begging God to reveal Himself to me in the Bible. I don't know where else I can find Truth..so...for some reason I really felt like I needed to read Psalm 119. Again, not sure why...but...yea.
As I read Psalm 119, I saw this recurring pattern. The Psalmist(s) continued to say how God's law and commands bring them great joy. Obedience to God's call brings joy. Joy = following God's law.
That brought up the question-- in my service to God, where do I find great joy?
I'm not talking about where I feel happy. Happiness is fleeting and kinda lame when you compare it to joy.

So I started to pray through where, in serving, I experience a joy that I can only explain as God-given.
I came to this conclusion:
Going on the world race excites me. It is an INCREDIBLE opportunity that makes me happy. It's so exciting to think about going, doing, seeing, experiencing all of that...
but...
When I think and pray about the opportunity that I have to serve in Columbia, my heart swells with this joy that I'm not sure I can express. The feeling I'm mentioning here is not the "happy because I'm in Columbia" feeling. It's a crazy joy of getting the privilege to serve Jesus in the capacity that He has blessed me with here.

So with that in mind...I think I'm supposed to be in Columbia.
I'm pretty sure of it, to be honest.

And yes, I'm sad. If you don't see any crazy red flags and if you are in agreement that yes, this is what it sounds like Jesus has for me, I'll mourn the World Race...but I'll also do it while rejoicing because Jesus has a plan for me.

After I sent that email, I got an overwhelming response from the people in my life--they rejoiced with me and mourned with me. They know me...and they know that I'm wired to go, do, see, try, travel....and that it's hard for me to make this decision.

But this is right. So right.

I know it. I can't deny what Jesus has told me. And ultimately, my life is about serving Him and glorifying Him wherever He calls me to be.

So there it is, team.

Jesus has me in Columbia.

How I'm feeling about this:

Confused. This is super uncomfortable for me.

Sad. I know it sounds dumb, but I miss you guys--even though I've never met you.

Content. Jesus has a plan.

Overwhelmed. with the love of my Father.

I am so excited to see what Jesus is going to do in Columbia and the plan He has for me here.

So to you, the incredible people who have supported me in preparing to leave--THANK YOU.

I love you more than you know.

The money that you've raised and given will go to The World Race to help the missionaries from my team. So you haven't raised money in vain.

But I don't want any of you to be frustrated with me or to have cause to be bitter with me.

So please, contact me if you would like your money back. AIM cannot refund it, but I would be glad to work to pay you back.

I love you. Thank you for walking with me in this.

grace and peace,

Toni

homesick? (and i havent even left yet)

Thu, 24 Dec 2009 00:00:00 GMT

Sometimes it's hard for me to accurately describe what is going on in my head. The words get jumbled up together and refuse to form sentences. But I think CS Lewis paints the picture of my heart perfectly right now:

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."

CS Lewis

I'm homesick, guys. I haven't left the states. I've actually returned to my "home base," and am relaxing for the holidays with my parents. But I yearn for a home that I haven't set foot into yet.

It's like a physical ache deep in my gut. I want to be with my Lord. I want to see His glory.

And in that ache, I can find comfort because that reveals the work of God in my life.

[thank you, Father, for drawing me closer to Your heart]

In this "homesickness," I can see God preparing me to leave for the Race. For the longest time after I had gotten accepted to leave on the WR, I was wrestling with a desire to stay where it's safe, to stay where my friends and family are. However, God's been slowly but surely stripping away my ideas of "home."

I've been seeing more and more each day that my "home" isn't Columbia. It's not Johnsonville. It's not some-random-future-city-that-is-yet-to-be-revealed.

It's with Jesus.

And one day, I'll be with Him.

But until then, He gives me the privilege to proclaim His glory.

Awesome.

Praise.

Cool.

Thank you, Father, for giving me the chance to be a light here.

where am I going? part 1.

Thu, 24 Dec 2009 00:00:00 GMT

In case you were wondering...

Where am I going?

(as far as I know as of now)

The Dominican Republic

Turkey

oh..er...yea.

Cambodia

Romania

I will also be in Africa at some point, but don't know any of those countries yet.

As I find out more information, I'll post more.

Thank you for supporting me!

where am I going? part 2.

Thu, 24 Dec 2009 00:00:00 GMT

And another country I will be going to is...

Drum roll please...

Mozambique!

by this, all men will know.

Wed, 4 Nov 2009 00:00:00 GMT

"by this, all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."
John 13:35

This is how I get to see what love is: these people.

My church family is incredible. They show me the love of Christ in ways that I don't deserve.

As hard as it is to leave them, it overjoys me that they are sending me to do what God is calling me to do.

Amazing. Thank you, God, for these beautiful people.

apart from Him, I am nothing.

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 00:00:00 GMT

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

[1 Peter 5:6-7]

I think that just about covers what is going on in my life right now.

Jesus is continuously humbling me.

He is mighty.

His timing is perfect.

I can trust Him because He cares for me.

No matter what, He is good.

Apart from Him, I am nothing.

grace and peace,

Toni

Expectations of my Trip

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 00:00:00 GMT

We were asked to write a blog about what we expect to experience on the World Race. So, here we go.

I expect ...

to learn to love like Jesus loves.
to be challenged in community.
to see true poverty.
to meet beautiful people that I'll never forget.
to hold the dying.
to see.this.beautiful.world.

to miss my family.

to miss my friends, church, lifegroup, and Midtown family.

to gain a new family in the body of Christ World Wide.

to become desperate for my Lord in new ways.

to be dazzled by God.

to know what it is to be content in plenty and in want.
to laugh at jokes and stories in different languages that I don't understand.
to have my heart broken for the lost.
to dance, sing, giggle, snort, and freak out in worship/the awesomeness of the day.
to have my heart rebroken time and time again.
to experience healing at the foot of the cross.
to be the hands and feet of Jesus.
to never be the same again.

Right now, I'm scared. I've never been so far out of my comfort zone that I could not return to it. But I'm excited. I'm ready. I'm ready to sing the praises of my King to the nations and be used by a mighty God even when I'm weak.

I'm ready to be utterly changed in the most beautiful way possible.

Oh but I'm so afraid, and I'm set in my ways"
But he'll make the rabbits and rocks sing his praise.
"But I'm too tired, I won't last long."

No, he'll use the weak to overcome the strong!

...You strike the match - why not be utterly changed by fire?

-mewithoutyou

How I was Called to the Mission Field

Tue, 6 Oct 2009 00:00:00 GMT

We were asked to write a blog about how we were called to the World Race. Here's my story...

"Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." (Matthew 28:19-20)

"But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth." (Acts 1:8)

"The Spirit of the Lord is on me,
      because he has anointed me
      to preach good news to the poor.
   He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
      and recovery of sight for the blind,
   to release the oppressed,

to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor."

Luke 4:18-19

"and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,

and your night will become like the noonday."

Isaiah 58:10

In Christian culture, there are some verses that we try to ignore. We try to explain away our call to the poor, to the afflicted by making excuses...

"it doesn't make sense to go there. I need to get a job and pay those bills"

"I don't have the money..and why would I ask other people to support me when it's so much cash?"

"someone else is called to those people. It's just not me."

"I love America. I'm happy here. It's not my job to go. Missionaries do that stuff."

"I have a family and friends here. Why would I want to leave these people?"

All of the above excuses have come out of my mouth at some point in time in my life. And all of them are rooted in one thing: sin. Pride. Selfishness. Me. Me. Me.

However, a few years ago when I first came to college, I joined a class through Columbia International University called Perspectives on the World Christian Movement . Perspectives literally changed my perspective on how I saw missions. My peers in the class along with the instructors challenged me weekly to look at the scriptures that made me uncomfortable (such as all of the ones I sited above) and apply them to my life.

Because if you think about it, as a believer, you cannot truly claim to follow Christ while selectively obeying Him.

In Perspectives, I learned the phrase that many believers follow: "we are planning to go, but willing to stay."

It was then that I began to pray that Jesus would use me in this present moment in Columbia, while planning for the fact that He may call me to the ends of the earth one day.

A little over a year after taking Perspectives, I was on the track at the gym this past May, jogging in circles, praying about the usual stuff.

"Jesus, what do you want me to do after I graduate? I'm a little confused."

I heard His voice clearly and it stopped me dead in my tracks. "Go."

"What?! Go where?! When? How?!"

Silence.

So I continued to pray about it, asking Jesus to give me guidance. I wanted an answer. I wanted direction. But oh, I wanted adventure. I started researching different missions agencies and found Adventures in Missions.

Eventually, through a series of doors closing in my face, it became clear that the World Race was where I was supposed to be.

So to be honest, I'm scared. I'm excited. I'm learning what it is to truly seek the Lord and obey even when it isn't comfortable...but most of all, I'm ready to be broken and to truly learn what it is to follow Him into the places where others are desperate for the gospel.

So get ready, world. I'm ready for the nations!